Breaking Dawn in E Minor
by Princess of Rose
Summary: A parody of Stephenie Meyer's 'Breaking Dawn,' the worst book ever. Follows the main storyline, and probably mirrors the first draft. Please no flaming!
1. Chapter 1

I am a fan of Stephenie Meyer's work indeed, but I find Breaking Dawn could have been much better written. There could have been far less suggestive cliffies and Bella's birth more under described, and the whole thing with the Volturi just felt thrown in. If they had taken that out, it would have been less criticized and about 300 pages shorter.

So I present my parody: 'Breaking Dawn' in E minor. 

'Breaking Dawn' in E minor

Original Novel by: Stephenie Meyer

Chapter One

(We see BELLA sitting in a magnificent, pretty shiny car. She has a clearly resentful expression, feeling self-conscious 'cause she wants her old truck back, which has 'expired of natural causes' but really Edward toyed with the engine until it broke.)

Bella: -Doing breathing exercises- "No one is staring at you. No one is staring at you. It's just the car, the car, the CAR!" –Stops clumsily at red light-

Mrs. Weber: -Rolling her car window down- "Bella, are you okay?"

Bella: "I SAID STOP STARING! IT'S JUST THE CAR!" –Slams down gas pedal, most likely breaking every traffic law, but all three cops are too busy drooling at the car-

Bella: -Narrative- "This sort of thing has been happening for like, EVER! I've been missing retarded stuff like clean shoelaces and Pop-Tarts because I don't want to be in public anymore. I should see a therapist, but then Edward would want to pay for it. Maybe I should just become a Mole Person! Yeah, that would be fun! Oh, right, I forgot. I can't, because I'm about to get married illegally to a vampire, which isn't that illegal because the priest doesn't know, but whatever, we finally get to Do It!!!"

(BELLA arrives at gas station. A bunch of SMELLY RICH MEN with about a dozen kayaks tied to their car appraise her.)

Smelly Man 1: "That's a nice car. Where'd you get it? That online video said it was only available in Europe. AND it said that it had four thousand pounds of body armor. Are you a drug lord? Because only one could afford this. Why do you need body armor? Going to the Bronx?"

Bella: "My boyfriend's Italian?"

Smelly Man 2: -Scoffs-

Bella: "And, I DO NOT do drugs, no matter what it might seem like. The Bronx is all the way across the country."

Smelly Man 1: "Yes, you do. Admittance is the first step to healing."

Bella: -Finishes pumping gas in her car- "Screw you."

(BELLA arrives home. She grudgingly notices ALICE'S yellow car.)

Bella: "NO NO NO NO NO NO! I DO NOT WANT TO TRY ON MY DRESS!"

Alice: -emerging from the house- "It will make Edward happy. Now come on inside. I just finished on Charlie. We'll give you your medicine and you'll go to your happy place."

Bella: -noticing Charlie- "WHY IS THERE AN APE IN THE HOUSE?!?!?!… Oh, Ch- _dad_, you look great."

Charlie: -grumbling- "I do not."

Bella: -muttering to Alice- "What on earth made you think grey looks good on him?"

Alice: "It's the only color that doesn't make him look like a BALLOOON!!! Er… I'm sorry. I've been a little sensitive to them ever since the whole Victoria incident… now let's go try on your dress."

Bella: -to herself- "What does Victoria have to do with balloons?"

Well, there it is. I am actually a good writer, but this was moreso for entertainment than quality. I so not tolerate flames. If you don't like, don't read, not read and flame. Really, what is the point?


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

(BELLA and EDWARD are making out passionately on BELLA'S bed.)

Edward: "I miss you already!"

Bella: "You" –kiss- "pervert. You need some time with the guys. You need to be with the dudes once in a while. Go hunt so you won't eat me."

Edward: -somber-

Bella: "go on. JASPER! EMMETT!"

Jasper: -claws at glass- "Let's go, brother."

Edward: "NOOOO! I must risk losing my virginity before marriage ONE MORE TIME!"

Jasper: "Em, get the rope."

Bella: "Toodles! Write when you get work! Oh wait… never mind!"

Edward: -tearlessly sobbing, bound in a rope-

Bella: "Now, you have him until sunset, but have him back before the music starts, and he must look nice. I have to remember the wedding I didn't want by all of us looking nice."-lowers voice to a whisper- "I'll pay you fifty dollars to torture him."

Emmett: "You're on. Thanks Bella!"

Edward: -whimpers- "HELP ME!"

Bella: "It's a miracle Charlie never hears any of this. Goodbye!" –promptly falls asleep-

Bella: "Ooh, ahh! I'm dreaming I am a vampire! Oh wait… I'm not. Oops. Oh well! Oh look! A baby! Oh, he's so pretty! I must hug him and squeeze him… but what's he's sitting on? Oh no! It's my dead loved ones! Well, I can do without Jessica or Mike… how could you, pretty baby?"

Volturi: "We must kill him!"

Bella: "NOO! You will not kill my pretty baby! He's pretty and he's a baby! How could you?"

Baby: -OPENS HIS BRIGHT, BLOODRED EYES-

Bella: -wakes up screaming- "Oh no…"

(BELLA then obsesses over scary stories. She does not fall asleep.)


End file.
